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The Laws of The Game | Volume: 6 | Four Horsemen of The Wardrobe Apocalypse

Posted by Craig Schroeder on


The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (not to be confused with the old school wrestling gang headed by The Nature Boy, Ric Flair) are described in the New Testament's Book of Revelation.

The chapter tells of a scroll in God's right hand with seven seals. Jesus opens the first four seals, summoning riders on white, red, black, and pale horses. The four riders symbolize Conquest, War, Famine, and Death. Their mission is to carry out a divine apocalypse upon the world as harbingers of the Last Judgment.

Judging one's wardrobe doesn't require a divine event. Indeed, the start of a new year is a good time to make an assessment.
Like the Four Horsemen, there are four main mistakes that can plague your wardrobe. The goal of this article is sartorial salvation - let the sermon commence.

The Four Wardrobe Horsemen that you must avoid are:


1) The White Horseman of "Closet Real Estate" Conquest

2) The Red Horseman of "Hanger" Wars

3) The Black Horseman of "Rotation" Famine

4) The Pale Horseman of Peacock Death

#1 - The White Horseman of "Closet Real Estate" Conquest


Unless you have a Gatsby-sized closet, you likely have too many clothes in too small a space, causing a rack jam (where it's so tight it's hard to get clothes in or out).
This is not only unsightly - it's disorganized. You probably can't find items you are looking for and are inadvertently hiding items you forgot you even had.


To take control of your space - conduct a Wardrobe Edit*:


Step 1 - remove all hanging garments and hangers from your closet;

Step 2 - designate 4 piles: keep, alter, donate/sell, trash;

Step 3 - try on each item;

Step 4 - put each item in one of the piles;

Step 5 - remove the hangers from the donate/sell & trash piles of clothes

Step 6 - re-organize clothing, putting like next to like (I.e., shirts with shirts, pants with pants).

*Note: CMMP offers professional Wardrobe Edit services. Contact for details. 

#2 - The Red Horseman of "Hanger" Wars

Not all hangers are the same.

If you've conquered the White Horseman, you will likely have a bunch of different hangers left from the items you're eliminating. Keep the wooden ones and any plastic suit hangers. Trash wire hangers or give them back to your local dry cleaner.

Moreover, while it is tempting to simply leave dry cleaning on their wire hangers, take a few minutes to replace them with more substantial wooden hangers. Doing so will avoid any lasting shoulder fabric stretching caused by wire hangers.

Hanging clothes that aren't supposed to be hung, or using the wrong hangers, can ruin your clothing.

Never hang sweaters from the shoulders as they will stretch. If you must hang them, fold like a shirt and put on the hanger's pant bar.  

Suits and jackets require hangers with more surface area on the shoulders. These items are heavier and need more support while they are being stored.


#3 - The Black Horseman of "Rotation" Famine

Not having enough of what you wear most means that you wear the same things too often. And it's not just that you need to switch up stylistically. Clothing (especially tailored clothing) needs time to recover from wear.

You shouldn't wear a suit or trousers more than once a week. Any more and the item will start to wear and rip prematurely.
It's a better investment to buy a second navy or charcoal suit in order to extend the life of an existing one. It is also common practice to buy two pairs of pants in the same purchase as a custom suit order since pants wear faster than blazers.

#4 - The Pale Horseman of Peacock Death

Some men think that dressing up requires an overt and intentional "showiness" in order to stand out in a crowd like a "peacock": bright, bold colors, complex patterns upon patterns upon patterns, or high contrasted collars and cuffs.

This simply makes one the self-appointed jester of the night.  More damning, however, is that dressing this way regularly leads to a closet full of items that are severely limiting. By definition, these flashy items are highly recognizable and therefore cannot be worn with any amount of useful frequency. In the same vein, these peacock pieces cannot be worn in numerous ways with other items in your closet, as their bold color and/or patterns will inevitably clash.

If you want to wear flashy stuff, relegate it to your accessories. These are generally less expensive things you can buy more of, change out frequently, don't serve as the canvas of each outfit and are usually seasonal.

I'm no preacher, but if a sartorial God came to bring a Final Judgment on your wardrobe today, would your style soul ascend to heaven or be cast to hell? Or simply waste away in clothing purgatory

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